This has been an exciting and emotional year in my writing career. In addition to getting my first screenplay optioned, my feature script, DETROIT, has garnered some major attention from Disney, The Black List, The Page Awards, The Nicholl Fellowship, Sundance Labs, and from Fresh-Voices.
But nothing has felt quite as gratifying as this industry member’s evaluation of the script. Major spoiler alerts ahead, but I wanted to share this with anyone who might be interested. I continue to believe that some production company will be willing to take on the challenges of making this film.
Alas, the script remains un-produced and un-optioned.
Note: Some aspects of the judge’s PDF did not copy properly, hence some strange-looking rectangles in between some sections, but to be clear, I did not edit this review in any way.
The 2014 PAGE Awards Judge’s Feedback
1. What is the writer trying to achieve in this script?
You have written an eye opening, intensely moving, unsentimental yet emotional drama that intimately explores both the intriguing characters’ lives and the ravaged but still proud city of Detroit.
When I came to CUT TO BLACK on the final page I felt as if I had actually seen the movie instead of simply reading a script. That is quite an accomplishment.
2. In what ways is the writer successful at achieving his/her goals?
You have fine, focused writing, taking a story that could have been an exercise in despair and giving us a touching and believable screenplay that is equal parts coming of age, sadness, a little bit of magic and ultimately, a feeling of hope.
The story is in some ways quite simple, and the script’s message is equally as plain: never give up wanting and striving, no matter how unattainable the dream seems.
You immerse us in the city of Detroit, making it as much of a character as anyone in the story.
Of course some of the characters are sympathetic and others are hateful. And of course some of the likeable characters do bad things. But throughout they feel like real people.
3. In what ways does the screenplay fall short?
There are a few dialogue sequences that tend to ramble a little and could be tightened.
As detailed a bit more under Plot, you might not need some of the more melodramatic back-stories, like the boy Ben accidentally killed.
4. On the contest scorecard, you gave this script a total score of: 85. Please explain your criteria for your score.
PREMISE/CONCEPT: 7
This is a familiar story – a boy’s coming of age under difficult circumstances – but you’ve given it a fresh and original spin.
PRESENTATION: 10
The script is formatted to professional standards and I noticed no spelling errors. Very, very nicely done.
STRUCTURE: 8
While it has an overall classic three act structure, this is a deceptively complex script, with multiple plot lines and character twists.
You do a good job keeping all the balls in the air and giving each main subplot a beginning, middle and end.
PLOT: 9
Every time I thought I knew where the story was going you threw a little curve ball: just one example is Ben’s unexpected appearance on pg. 75. The joy we feel that Doc has found his dad is tempered when we realize that Ben is not going to stay, and not going to turn everything around.
You make your points with character and action, very seldom with speeches.
I like how the main story line – Doc’s search for his missing father – evolves throughout the screenplay. We first hear about the boy’s mission to find his dad on page 5, and little by little more details emerge. The indifference of the police (even for one of their own). The emails Mary shows her son to explain the disappearance. Mary’s affair. Ben’s earlier suicide attempt. Finally we learn about Ben’s plea to his son when lying on the kitchen floor. As the pieces come together we – and Doc – come to a better understanding of what drives the man.
The subplot that Doc’s father was a policeman but quit after killing a young boy is certainly powerful but it seems a little familiar – almost shorthand for why he’s depressed and suicidal. I know Mary argues that it’s not the trigger for Ben’s problems, but I don’t know whether you need such a dramatic plot point to get the point across.
Troy’s gangster attitude – using the younger kids to rob others, stealing the copper and other metals from abandoned houses – is believable and you clearly show how it gives the kids a sense of excitement, of camaraderie and even of belonging. It is a tribute to Doc that he never quite falls for Troy’s pitch – though we certainly worry for him.
The build up to the dramatic moments of the script is powerful but it’s in the interstitial moments, particularly, when we see the city in decay and defiance, that the story takes on the flat, unblinking detail of a documentary.
The notion that an unknown kid would be able to sing at the biggest playoff game in Detroit history is perhaps – oh, possibly just a tad – unbelievable and it made absolutely no difference to me. I was cheering along with the audience. Sometimes you just have to be cinematic and heartwarming. (And the technician’s “Fine. Whatever.” is a brilliant button to the scene.)
The ending, where we don’t know the outcome of the game might be frustrating, but it is also utterly believable and thematically true to the story. Doc has achieved something remarkable, both in his beautiful singing and in his steadfastness, both to his father and his beloved Lions. But we see he has grown and changed in the course of the story.
Tiny note: we never get a payoff for the pills Troy gives Doc and he later swallows.
PACING: 8
Pacing works nicely, with contrasting scenes of action and character development. Some of the dialogue sequences could probably be trimmed a little bit.
CHARACTERS: 9
Your ability to create characters that are both familiar and utterly individual is one big reason the script come so vividly to life.
When we first meet Doc he writhes in agony over the Lions’ loss, then robs a kid of $4 – giving him one dollar back and looking at him “with genuine sympathy”.
We don’t yet know what to make of this boy but we’re instantly intrigued. He’s clear-eyed but also an authentic fourteen year-old, uncommunicative and sullen. He’s often surprisingly innocent, utterly determined in his desire to save his dad and clearly very smart. As he flies closer to the danger of Troy we worry that he’ll take that one step too far, which keeps the suspense high.
Andre is a delight – a welcome light touch in an otherwise darkish group of characters. His humor and intelligence shines through and his philosophy of “’Cause. That’s it.” (pg. 55) shows that he is wise beyond his years.
And Mrs. Bullock is a godsend to Doc with her tough love, believably written. Mary is heartbreakingly real: a woman teetering on the edge of despair,
exhausted, but always taking that one more step. While we sympathize with Doc we are glad she’s found some measure of happiness and security with Bruno.
I have to say that Detroit is as much a character in the script as any person and you have done a terrific job showing both the urban blight and the resilience of the people who live there.
DIALOGUE: 9
You use dialogue to illuminate the character as well as move the story forward. With pg. 4’s, “You take that. That’s fair”, we understand that while Doc acts like a junior thug, there’s more to him. His response to Andre’s “You know you’re 75% white, right?” “Lotta good it’s doing me” (pg. 11) and his snarling, “You touch me, I’ll kill you” beautifully sets up his intelligence and even his sense of humor.
I think I’m still chuckling at Doc and Andre’s discussion of drinking from the cap of the vodka bottle (pg. 25). Very funny.
And Beulah’s sudden appearance with, “Well, I’m certainly somebody’s mother” (pg. 51) is a beautiful button to put on the otherwise unhappy scene about the electricity bill – a much-needed moment of lightness.
Mrs. Bullock’s speech at Troy’s funeral is devastating and beautiful at the same time.
You also do an fine job with the dialect – we get the cadence of Troy’s gangster- talk without it being overdone.
THEME: 8
There are multiple themes at work here. Certainly the linking of the Barry Sanders mystery to his dad’s disappearance is one – knowing when it is wise to let go and when disappearing is a selfish choice.
And there’s the importance of family (whether biological or chosen) and community. But I also like the notion that Mary is dead wrong when she says (pg. 19) that Doc’s strong heart can’t change the world. I think you’ve shown that it can.
STYLE/TONE: 9
Your use of Voice Over works well. Instead of explaining what we see on-screen you use it to explain Barry Sanders’ story and, sparingly, to give Doc’s thoughts about the city of Detroit.
The one time the voice over is about something more personal (pg. 6, “She’s
absolutely wrong. He’s out there and he’ll come back”) seems less successful. I wonder if there’s another – perhaps visual instead of voice over — way to get this information across.
Tiny cinematic details, like Doc anxiously pulling the draw strings of his hoodie to hide his face as the Lions line up (pg. 3), help make the scenes “pop” with realism.
Character descriptions (the boys in the car with Troy are “narrow eyed and silent”), are vivid and specific. And the choice to have the boys put chocolate sauce on their pasta because there isn’t any other food in the house is both funny and heartbreaking.
While having just one flashback in a script can be stylistically a little odd, your choice to show us (pg. 34) the 11 year old Doc with his father makes it clear why Doc is so determined to find him – Ben seems like a great guy.
A small suggestion: try to avoid using “we see” (as on pg. 8) in scene description. It reminds us that we’re reading a script and anything that pulls us out of the story, however briefly, should be avoided. It used to be more common in scripts from decades past, but is currently out of vogue in contemporary screenwriting. A small fix.
COMMERCIAL POTENTIAL: 8
Beautifully crafted character-based dramas, particularly with a 14 year-old lead actor, are not always given their due by notoriously risk-averse Hollywood – who prefer an easily marketable story, ideally based on a graphic novel.
At first glance it seems that the indie world might be an easier path to production.
However there are definitely exceptions to studio reluctance: there are plenty of terrific filmmakers who appreciate a well-told story. A wise producer once told me that great scripts do get made, even if it takes a fair amount of persistence.
My instinct is to pursue companies – production companies, producers or even mini-studios like Lionsgate — who have credits in the same general arena.
Alternatively, you could approach directors you admire (someone from Detroit, perhaps?). Of course, your script itself will likely garner some serious attention on its own, so you might not have to do much marketing yourself.
I would also be mighty surprised if you didn’t get full and enthusiastic participation from the Detroit Lions organization.
5. If you received this screenplay at your agency or production company, would you give it a:
RECOMMEND writer CONSIDER PASS project
Why? What is your agency or production company currently looking for?
Alas, while dramas are a personal favorite of mine for genre, my company currently produces lower-budget independent films, mostly in the suspense- thriller genre, so this script would not be a good match for us.
However, I guarantee that any coverage would come back with a decided (and highly unusual, in my experience) rating of Recommend Writer for your exceptional way with character and dialogue.
6. How could this writer improve his/her chances of success with this script? What else would you like to tell this writer?
It is rare that I get a script to read where I have to struggle to come up with things that can be improved.
Of course, when a director comes on board he or she will undoubtedly have some ideas – how to open up the story a little, perhaps, or how to narrow the focus slightly.
But it’s the utterly authentic feel to both character and location that will get this script noticed.
Wonderful work – keep writing!
Judge: JW